bitch, please

bitch, please

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I have a food addiction

Guess what, everyone. I have a food addiction. Yup, laugh it up, shake your head, do whatever it is you need to do to get past this FACT.  Its not a joke, its not fake, and its unlike any other addiction out there. You cannot totally abstain from eating. Another thing its not? an excuse. Its a reasons to why my life has become out of control. Before you think up some image of me eating cookies and cake all day, stop. That is not how everyone is. While that may have been me at some point, (really, everyone has binged on junk food at some point) I'm here to tell you that its a real need to eat. Our body and our mind tell us that we are hungry, that its okay to eat, that we don't care. Other days? we know we have a problem and try to be "good."  It is a constant battle in our own minds, and it takes help and experience to master it.

 Embarking on this new lifestyle is hard. I hate every day of it. I take this out on everyone, including my boyfriend. His weight loss seems so easy for him, and it is. He dose not have a food addiction, he works his ass off (literary) every day at work, and he is genetically programmed to burn fat and build muscle. He, and anyone else who has never dealt with this problem, cannot and does not understand the struggle. Its not his fault, and part of my lifestyle change includes this realization. It is no ones fault but our own, and we need help to change. Before you throw a cheese filled burrito at me, i do want to address that there are reasons why we became this way. Admitting that it's your fault isn't saying that you just let this happen to you, or that you wanted it. This is a cold, hard fact of life that i have come to learn.

 I am my own worst critic. I think i have been so good for so long, then i realized i have eaten healthy for like 3 days. This is how a boozer must feel when 3 days sober. like its something so awesome, yet its not. One slip, one peice of cake or overeating of carbs sends me into a depression. 3 perfect days, down the drain. All that hard work, and somehow i just give in and eat crap. But let me tell you, it feels so... releasing- when you hit that week mark of eating totally healthy. I hope that someday, that week can blurr into two, three,four weeks, then months.

I have not eaten fast food for over 2 weeks, other then approved lean subs from subway. Id like to pat myself on the back, but i know its because i have no money to spend on fast food. Eaither way, i cannot beleve how much fast food we ate. its discusting, gives me a stomache ache. and yet i stuffed my fat ass with it constantly. I had to endure lunch with some people at arbys. i had a glass of water, they had the biggest cheese filled sandwhich at the damn place, with 2 sides. as the smacked down on that thing, i was so appalled. that use to be me! that IS me. I would have loved to eat that greasy cheese filled heart attack. Somehow though, i was disgusted.

We all grew up with mixed messages. I beleved that a good dinner was a huge peice of greasy meat, loads of potatoes, bread, and topped with cheese, salt, sugar, whatever.  Of course we knew what the "bad" things were. But those included a narrow tunnel of things. We also thought that it was fine unless you ate it all the time. Everyday wasnt all the time, somehow. Pop was the normal drink that you sipped on all day. I didnt realize how sugary and full of calories i was DRINKING constantly.  I also didnt thing that bread and other excessive amounts of carbs were full of sugar. if it wasnt cake or candy, it was okay, right?

 of course once we relize were fat and eating bad, we dont even know whats right to eat. Low-fat, fat-free, low protein, high protein, diet soda, granola bars, and the like.  If it was "fat-free" we tend to think its okay, and dont look at the sugar in it. If it says "fruit" "natural" "high fiber" or the like, we think its okay. It took a long time for me to relize that pre packged diet bullshit was just as bad.  Sugar galore!

 So to get skinny, you dont eat, right? another thing i didnt get. you HAVE to eat, the RIGHT things. if you starve yourself, its just going to lead to failure. Another shock, was portion control. A serving is never what i think it is. it take some getting use to.

 Now that i know all this, i still have to break the habits i formed with years and years of practice. By now, my body expects a steady supply of sugar and carbs. When i dont get them, i get pissy and cranky. Cravings so unbearable and overpowering set it. Because my body BELIEVES i need these things.Thats the one thing alot of skinny people do not understand. After so many years of high sugar high carb intake, our body has adapted to this. Our bodys, our insides, the thing that trumps will power and logic most of the time, thinks it NEEDS these things. So its not so easy just to have "willpower"

once our bodys are addicted, we soon learn that we can make ourselfs feel better by eating. We feel good just by thinking about getting that food. we feel good on our drive to the fast food place. we love  being able to pick out ANYTHING we want on the menu. Its like a little event. We go home and stuff the food in our mouths. and for a few minutes, were happy.  When we have nothing else in our life, when we cant satisfy our other cravings for life, we feed our body.  It becomes a destructive pattern, untill its so out of control, we dont care anymore. Even after we realize what were doing, we dont care anymore. Its become unmanageable. At this point, we need help to stop.

 Combine deep seated roots, years of repetition, an addiction, and loss of hope, you have what I am ( and so many other women) are today. We are misunderstood and misinformed. This jades our views of ourself ( why cant i just stop eating) and views of healthy eating (this sugary granola bar is okay to eat, it says its healthy)

 Not to mention, society is cruel to unhealthy people. Whats more, is that we know we are unhealthy.  We know it more then anyone else on this earth, so we deny it. Why? because we cannot live with such despair and hurt every second of the day. The guilt of knowing we are not the best we can be is the heaviest burden anyone can bear. Using humor, sass, depression, and disregard is how we deal. No one is really okay with being overweight, we just act like we are to get everyone, including ourselves, off our backs.

 While no one is to blame but ourselves, we did have help. Everyone in the market today wants to sell YOU crap. Fast food, grocery stores, the media, fad diets, everyone.  Fast food is filled with cheep, tasty things. It is easy, fun and inexpensive to get. The grocery store is full of foods that trick you into thinking there healthy. If you really looked at the "health" foods such as yogart, granola bars and cereal, you will see how bad they are. They use every marketing ploy available to make you believe its okay to eat these foods. "Light" yogart contains huge amounts of sugar, and is not healthy for you. They put things like fiber and lower the fat to trick you into thinking its okay to eat. They play off the "studys" that are done to make it seem healthy.

There is so much misinformation out there, because alot of people have an agenda to sell you things. Alot of the time without you even realizing whats going on. Its a horrible cycle. You eat junk because your unhappy, and your unhappy because you eat junk.

How to break this cycle? The first step is seeing yourself with unclouded eyes. You are not a worthless lump, you are not lazy. The lifestyle you beveled was okay, or the one you think you have to follow, is making you feel bad. Once you know that you have a problem that needs help, you have won half the battle. Its not enough to know that you are "fat" you must know what events made you fat, and how its hurting you.

 Step 2: Get educated. Get unbiased help and knowledge on how to break this cycle and ease into it. It took me several years to "get it", but for some people it might be shorter or longer. You will never get healthy untill you get it. You must admit you have a problem, figure out how and why you have a problem, and how you are going to fix it. And i mean really KNOW how, to the last detail. Its not an overnight thing, because we have taken years to get this way. I wasnt on board with a lifestyle change right away either. I hated all those people who could just decide to diet right then and there, and just do it. Its different for everyone.

Step 3: The last step, and by far the hardest, is breaking your habits, and dissolving all the misinformation ingrained into you. I can tell you, that knowing you have a problem is helpful, but also extremely frustrating. You KNOW you have a problem, why cant you just stop? I have struggled with this constantly (still do) If you struggle also,a 12 step food addiction program could be helpful.

I am still doing step 3, as it is the longest and hardest step to do. Its not so much a "diet", rather a breaking of patterns. It is up to you to find a program that works best for you. Make sure you do your research, make sure its not a fad diet,and makes sense to you. I highly suggest you read a medical book about human nutrition and the digestive system.  Knowing how we work is a strong foundation in lifestyle changing.

I am not going to claim to be changed totally yet. Im still fat, i still am addicted to junk food, and i still struggle with my lifestyle change. However, i see what progress i have made in the few years i have been on my journey to changing my life. For some people, "diets" start in the mind, not the body.